"We need your help resolving an issue"

From: Commonwealth NetBank [mailto:COM00182771009@commonwealthbank.com] 

Sent: Monday, 12 September 2011 7:59 PM

Subject: Notice. 0019229177716

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We need your help

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Dear Customer,

We need your help resolving an issue with your account. To give us time to work together on this, we've temporarily limited what you can do with your account until the issue is resolved.

We understand it may be frustrating not to have full access to your NetBank account. We want to work with you to get your account back to normal as quickly as possible.

What's the problem?

For reasons relating to the safe use of the Commonwealth Bank service we need some more information about the use of your bank account linked to your NetBank account.

Reference Number: CM-001-433-620-841

How you can help

It's usually quite straightforward to take care of these things. Most of the time, we just need some more information about your account or latest transactions.

To help us with this and to find out what you can and can't do with your account until the issue is resolved, just log in here and follow instructions.

CM-001-433-620-841

Yours sincerely,

Commonwealth Bank

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From: l.hufflebufflesprinklebottom@hotmail.com

To: com00182771009@commonwealthbank.com

Subject: RE: Notice. 0019229177716

Date: Sun, 27 Nov 2011 17:52:45 +1100

Dear Commonwealth Bank, 

Thank you very much for getting in touch regarding the issue with my account. Apologies for the delayed response, but I've had I've had a rather traumatic week and am trying to resolve a few issues of my own. Plus, I've only just woken up from a 3-day valium and vodka induced coma... but we've all been there right?

I totally appreciate that we need time to work together on this... Actually I don't. What did I do, Commonwealth Bank? What went wrong? Why do you need time? I thought we were getting on so well... Can't we talk about it? Why have you temporarily limited what I can do with my account? Did I come on too strong? Did I put too much pressure on you? Troy says I can be a bit full on sometimes. I mean, I know I know I overreact sometimes, but how was I meant to know that girl was his sister? I mean, I had a pretty good view of their table from the bushes across the road and, I'm sorry, but she was playing with her hair CONSTANTLY and everyone knows that's basically an invitation for sex, right? Look, I know smashing her car windows was probably a bit over-the-top, but it's like I said to Troy, it's not my fault that your sister is a mad slut. He's so unreasonable sometimes.

Anyway, I digress, I must admit that yes, it is rather frustrating not to have full access to my NetBank account. But then, I'm used to frustration... I mean, for example, it's totally frustrating not having full access to your partner's genitalia, because out of the blue he suddenly decides he 'wants to take a step back' because he 'doesn't want to ruin a beautiful friendship'... but I've totally dealt with it and I'm not bitter. I mean, it's cool- we do have a a beautiful friendship. He doesn't get it all the time though- like, last week I sent him a copy of Pride and Prejudice in which I'd crossed out 'Lizzie' and 'Mr Darcy and replaced them with 'Lucy' and 'Troy'. In blood. Maybe I was just brought up differently to him, but I don't think it was unreasonable to expect a thank you note.

So yes, I really hope you do get my account back to normal as quickly as possible- believe me, everyone likes to know where they stand. I mean, I'm absolutely fine with us taking a break... but if you just want to cast me away then you could at least be honest with me. I mean, how would you feel, if for example, I didn't reply to your message and then you heard from Bankwest that I was actually pretty busy getting cosy with ANZ. That'd hurt right? And if you did find that out you'd be totally within your rights to call my mother and tell her exactly what a cheating prick I was. After 4 bottles of wine. Right?

I get that you need some information from me- we all need answers. For instance, I'd like to know why Troy thought it was acceptable behaviour to screw my best friend behind my back. She's a nice enough girl, but she's really not that hot. Imagine how upset you'd feel if I just switched to another bank with a less generous interest rate? You'd be pissed! Now, replace 'interest rate' with 'cup-size' and you'll understand where I'm at right now. He does too after I sent him one of my old bras in the post. With a dog turd in it. We bought that dog together and Troy hasn't been to visit him once since he moved out. Honestly, that man is just incapable of committing to anything. Sorry, but when I signed up for this relationship, I was in it for the long haul. I mean, how would you feel if someone signed up for a 25 year old mortgage and then just gave up after the first 6 payments? That's fucked.

Sorry, but I just don't agree that it's 'straightforward' to take care of these things... Quite frankly Commonwealth Bank I'm just sick of not knowing where I stand and I find the devil-may-care attitude with which you ask me to 'log in' and 'follow instructions' utterly demeaning. I'm an independent woman and I'm done being the agent of someone else's happiness.

Yours sincerely,

Lucy

P.S. NO, IT'S NOT NORMAL AND IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO EVERYONE.

P.P.S. I FAKED IT.