From: (Phillips) [mailto:jonathan@terraviva.agr.br]
Sent: Thursday, 25 August 2011 12:13 AM
Subject: Re: --Great Benefits--
Hello
My name is Bill Phillips, Attorney at law. I have a client with identical surnames as you, recently deceased, who has left behind a huge financial asset. I have been given an ultimatum from the bank to provide them with a surviving family member, but have not had any success after several attempts in contacting his embassy.
I would like to present you as a surviving family member which would allow you to claim the funds left behind by my client. If you are interested, please contact me with your full name and a valid phone number.
Kind Regards,
Bill Phillips
*****************************************************************************************************************
From: l.hufflebufflesprinklebottom@hotmail.com
To: jonathan@terraviva.agr.br
Subject: Re: --Great Benefits--
Date: Mon, 28 Nov 2011 16:52:49 +1100
Dear Bill, or should that be olá, as I couldn't help but notice that you've written to me from Brazil... quão excitante!
Thank you so much for your message, I really appreciate your getting in touch and am intrigued (or as they say in Brazil, intrigado!) to find out more about your proposal. By way of an aside, I had no idea that 'Bill' could be short for 'Jonathan'- pardon my ignorance.
Actually, Bill, your offer has come at an extremely fortuitous moment. You see, my earliest memories are of growing up in an orphanage. My mother abandoned me soon after I was born because she was unable to look after me. I don't know much about my parents, but apparently my Dad was something of a drifter and, sadly, during the course of his relationship with my Mum, fell in with a bad crowd. They introduced my parents to crystal meth and it was to lead to their downfall. As you may be aware, the production of methamphetamine involves the reduction of ephedrine or pseudoephedrine which is a fundamental ingredient in cold and flu medicine. My parents decided to strike out on their own and so, after stealing a large stock of Strepsil tablets from the local pharmacy, skipped town to set up their own methlab.
To put it bluntly, Bill, my parents weren't the sharpest crayons in the box and found that they lacked the basic chemistry skills to manufacture the drug they so craved. During one particularly dreadful experiment, my mother lost both her eyebrows and my father badly singed his mullet. Horrendous arguments ensued during which my parents would scream at each other for hours on end. One day, after such a fight, both realised they had lost their voices and had terribly sore throats, so innocently took a couple of their illicit Strepsil tablets. Placatd by the honey and lemon infused goodness of the medicinal sweets, my parents ate Strepsil after Strepsil and, before they knew it, were hopelessly addicted to the soothing poison of these neon flu-stoppers.
I know it sounds fanciful, Bill, but if absinthe is the green fairy, then truly Strepsils are the yellow devils. My parents addiction knew no bounds and before long they were lost to the world, travelling the country in search of their next fix. They began to argue again and things became violent. Finally, when my father caught my mother trying to swap his Strepsils stash for M&Ms he beat her badly and she ran away. Unbeknown to both of them, my mother was pregnant with me.
The rest, as they say, is history. She gave birth to me and left me on the doorstep of her local Priceline, where she had just shoplifted a large quantity of tablets only to discover that they were the sugar-free kind, which pissed her off royally. I haven't seen either of my parents since and I have no idea what happened to them. I believe though that my father unfortunately passed away a few years ago- lusty for lozenges he dived into a pond in the middle of the night under the impression that the reflection of the full moon was a giant ginger and lemon Strepsil.
Sorry for the digression Bill, but I felt it was important to give you my backstory. You see, I was under the impression that the nuns had given me my name as some sort of punishment for my parents' misdemeanours. I don't know how to translate it into Portuguese, but Hufflebufflesprinklebottom is not a common name and, to be frank, it's led to a lot of bullying.
You can imagine my surprise and delight when I read your email and discovered that I have a family! Well.. I might have a family... I noticed, Bill, that you referred to 'identical surnames'... Please could you check and make sure that you are indeed looking for Lucy Hufflebufflesprinklebottom and not, for example, Hufflebuffle-Sprinklebottom. I don't know why people double-barrel their names. Quite frankly I think it's ridiculous. Anyway, I'm so excited to find out more about my new family- I don't think I could handle the disappointment if there was some sort of mistake. I am, of course, terribly disappointed to hear that your client (my... uncle maybe?!) has passed away... but we can't let the trail go cold Bill! There MUST be other Hufflebufflesprinklebottoms out there and together we can track them down. It'll be so exicting- you, the trail blazing lawyer, and me, the unfortunately named orphan... it's got 'Grisham' written all over it, Bill!
Anyway, I'm rambling, so I'd better finish here. Sorry, but I'm unable to give you a phone number because I don't have a phone. In fact, I try not to speak too much at all, because I've heard it can give you a sore throat...
...Quite frankly, Bill, with my parentage that's a risk I just can't take.
Yours,
Lucy Hufflebufflesprinklebottom.
